I had a great example recently of how one word, a unconscious slip of the tongue, the use of a habitual phrase can unintentionally offend.

I was traveling for work. I got off the plane and went to the rental car kiosk. The customer service agent got high marks for his pleasant, welcoming and efficient service. In no time I had the keys to my vehicle. He directed me to the car lot and advised me that “one of his guys” would help me out.

As I headed out to the lot, I was looking for both my car, and a male employee available to help. What I saw was a female employee who was helping another customer. She smiled and told me she would be right with me. There were no “guys” available anywhere.

Now, I know that it is easy enough to use the expression, “you guys” even when are talking to women. When I am speaking or training, I often use that expression, however, I always advise my audiences that I am using that phrase in a gender neutral sense, and tell them that I do not mean to offend anyone.

Admittedly, I am hyper sensitive about ensuring that I am conscious of using language that will be respectful to everyone, particularly in a training session. That said, however, the fact is that all employers have a statutory legal obligation to ensure that their workplaces are free from discrimination. The only way for that to happen is for employees to be aware of what they are saying and doing, and ensuring that it is respectful.

Was this one comment discriminatory? No, unless it was part of an ongoing pattern. Was it offensive? Potentially yes. I was taken aback to see a female employee when I was expecting a male. I wondered why the agent had so specifically said “one of my guys”.

Being who I am, I shared the agent’s comment with the young woman. She looked at me and said, “oh, is that what I am now.” And then she wanted to know who had made the comment. I could see it bothered her. I suggested to her that she might want to give her co-worker some feedback, framing my comment from a perspective that it may have been simply an unintended slip of the tongue.

In all likelihood that customer service agent did not mean to be either discriminatory or offensive. I could have just let the comment pass and not spoken to the young woman. What do you think? Should we speak up or remain silent, particularly when, as in a case like this, we are not even directly involved.

I think you can guess where I would land on that issue. Just because someone is unaware of their behavior, or the fact that they may have offended does not let either them or us off the hook. The fact that we are not directly involved is not an excuse. If we are really interested in promoting a more respectful workplace and society, we have to be prepared to walk the talk. We have to speak up. Staying silent really isn’t an option if we are interested in creating and supporting change.

I truly hope that this young woman went back and had a respectful conversation with her co-worker. I truly hope that her feedback will serve to awaken a new level of awareness in him about his choice of language. I hope that their relationship will be enhanced, not damaged by the conversation.

Of course I will never know what happened. But you know I have always loved a happy ending, and I see no reason to change now. Bottom line is that whatever choice she makes, I know I made the right choice in choosing to speak up to promote respect.

One of the things I discuss in my book Road to Respect is how bad behavior is often tolerated within workplaces. Excuses are made. “Oh that is just (whomever). That is just how she/he is”. When nothing is done to deal with workplace disrespect, everyone soon accepts it as “just the way it is around here.”

As a result, bad behavior, disrespect becomes the norm. We hardly even notice it. It is like Muzak on an elevator. We tune it out.

This is a real problem. If we are tolerating disrespect, if we are tuning it out, then we are in fact contributing to it. We are supporting and condoning it.

Now, I understand how hard it is to stand up, to speak up to someone that is disrespectful, particularly when that person has power. But just because something is hard does not give us an excuse to avoid it. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the willingness to take action even though you are afraid.

Ideally, none of us should have to put up with bad behavior at work. Reality is, however, that disrespect is becoming a fact of working life for increasing numbers of us. The flip side is that we all have a choice as to how we react to it.

Sure we can tune it out. We can make excuses. We can tolerate it.

Or we can make a different choice – an empowering choice that flows from a foundation of self-respect. We can take action. We can say something. We can choose to give others respectful feedback on their bad behavior. We can stand with those that are targeted. We can speak up about our right to work in a respectful and safe environment.

No one benefits when we choose to tolerate disrespect at work. It is time to stop tuning out. I think it is time to start speaking out.

What do you think?

In the last few weeks I have been reading a lot of interesting factoids about both the year and the decade that just ended. One study reported that over 80% of women surveyed said they were busier than ever in 2009. Did that mean that they would be making resolutions to be less busy in 2010? Apparently not. In spite of an overwhelming interest in finding “work/life balance” most of those women said that they could not think of anything they would be able to let go of in the New Year.

As a widowed working mother of a 13 year old, I have been trying to achieve some sort of work life balance for years. Well, to be honest, I have been thinking about this elusive notion of work life balance when in fact, like the women surveyed, I find myself getting busier and busier. In the last year, I have become active on Twitter, Facebook and Linked In, and started this blog as well as a vblog. My e-news went from a quarterly to a monthly publication. Those in the know say this type of activity is a must for “solopreneurs” like me.

While all this social networking adds considerably to my work load, I find I really like this new way of connecting with others and being able to reach a wider audience. The conclusion I came to when reading about those women was that I would be joining their ranks, as I couldn’t really think of much I could let go of. In fact, it is much easier for me to think of additional activities I would like to be doing, if only I could find the time.

But then I started to ask myself – what is the notion of “work/life balance” really about? Is it possible or even desirable to balance out work and life? What if, as in my case, your work is very much your life? Is being balanced really that desirable an aim? For me a big problem with this whole work life balance issue is that since I can never achieve it, it just becomes something else I can’t achieve – a potential source of stress, and honestly, who needs more stress.

As I thought about my goals for the new year and the new decade, I realized that I don’t necessarily want work/life balance. What I want is to enjoy what I am doing in my life. I want to spend the limited time I have on things that are meaningful to me. That is not about finding balance. That is about establishing priorities. It is about being clear on what is really important to me, being clear on what I want to be spending my time on. It is about identifying what I am currently doing that I don’t like doing, and then figuring out how to not do it any more.

Case in point – keeping my books. This is something that I can’t really let go of, in that it has to be done. However, while it has to be done, the question is whether or not I really need to be doing it.

The first day back in the office after the break I had to update my Quickbooks data file. This is something I absolutely hate doing. As I sat there on January 4th, I got grumpier and grumpier and pretty soon I heard myself saying things like I hate my work, I hate my job…all of which is patently untrue. I love my work. I love my job. I just don’t love all the parts of it, particularly those that involve data entry, administration and marketing. For years I have been using excuses like I can’t afford more help, I can’t find the right help, although in fact I only came to that erroneous conclusion because the right help was not found in the first person I hired and then I gave up.

It occurred to me that what I needed to do was get serious about finding help for those tasks that need to be done that I don’t like doing. I realized that establishing priorities would be a waste of time unless one of my priorities was to make sure I hire others to do the stuff that I don’t like doing. I had to get busy finding others to do my unwanted busy work.

You know how they say that when you ask for what you want, when you are aligned with your purpose, things just fall into place? Well, the very next day I had a meeting with Penny Deming, founder of SHEfinancial group inc. (www.shefinancialgroup.com). In the course of our conversation I talked about my bookkeeping dilemma, and wouldn’t you know it – she had someone great to recommend. A week later I have a new bookkeeper, and have freed up some precious time to do stuff I like, like writing this blog post.

I think we need to reframe this whole notion of “work/life balance”. We all know that nothing in life actually maintains a state of balance, so why try for the impossible? Rather that looking for balance I think we should focus on making choices that ensure we are busily engaged with activities that are meaningful to us, that honor who we are.

I for one like being busy. I just want to be busy with things that have value to me, that are meaningful to me, and that are aligned with my purpose. That would, I realize, be a fundamentally respectful way to live, in that I would be supporting myself to succeed – exactly what I advise leaders to do to demonstrate respect to others.

So what about you? Are you supporting yourself for success? Have you prioritized what is really important to you? Why not bid farewell to the idea of work life balance and live an unbalanced life of meaning and purpose.

One of the questions I pondered with friends and family this holiday season was “how will this decade be remembered. What will the legacy of this decade be?” As this is something we only get to consider once every ten years it provoked some interesting discussion.

Among those I spoke to terrorism and technology – specifically wireless technology/ social networking, emerged as the top contenders for the defining phenomena of the decade which so recently ended.

Terrorism has greatly increased fear, hatred, divisiveness and conflict in our world. Rights, particularly human rights have been greatly affected and in many cases compromised, rescinded or disappeared outright. Technology, and particularly social media, facilitates relationship and connection. It creates a smaller and more cohesive world community. It is as if the events of this decade were simultaneously moving in two opposing directions.

I will never forget watching in horror as the twin towers fail. The first thing I said to my late husband was “the world as we know it has changed forever.” That cataclysmic event is what really shaped the decade for me. I grew up in a country of peace keepers. 9/11 changed that. For the first time in my life, my country, Canada, is at war. Canadian men and women, and most recently, a Canadian journalist, are dying in Afghanistan.

As someone committed to promoting peace and respectful relationships, this is a very disheartening reality. I recently watched a documentary on HBO about the “business of war”. Beyond those individuals that join the armed forces there are those who are hired to make war. One of these mercenaries made a comment that was both shocking and chilling. “War is a game. It is the ultimate game. Nothing can touch it.”

It is hard to remain optimistic in the face of some of the realities that this last decade has produced. It is hard to believe that we are moving to promote a better world for all of us. However, there is an old saying – it is always darkest before the dawn. As the new decade begins, I choose to believe in the possibility for positive change. I choose to tenaciously cling to my vision of a world where respect for all becomes the norm. I simply refuse to give up hope.

What about you?

December 10, 2009 marks the 61st anniversary of the signing of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Adopted by the UN in 1948, this was
the first document in human history that talked about and enshrined the notion that each of us, by virtue of our membership in the human race, are deserving of respectful and dignified treatment. The Universal Declaration also stressed the importance of enshrining these rights in law.

As Canadians, we can be particularly proud of the fact that John Peter Humphrey, from the province of New Brunswick, was the principal author of this document. As we mark this anniversary we can be proud of what we have accomplished in the last 60 years. Basic human rights have improved for many citizens in the world, in particular those that live in Canada.

However, here in Canada our human rights framework and our human rights commissions are under attack. Funding for social justice programs is being cut. Beyond our borders we can see mounting evidence of the lack of respect for the values enshrined in the Universal Declaration.

It was the Holocaust, where the world witnessed how power misused could deprive millions of individuals of their most basic human right, the right to life, that prompted the adoption of the Universal Declaration. Sadly, today we are witnessing a resurgence in the anti-Semitism that allowed the murder of 6 million Jews, as world wide Holocaust deniers and their followers are gaining strength and credibility. Discrimination, racism, homophobia and gender inequality are a daily reality for millions of individuals.

Tolerance and respect for difference is still very much the exception, rather than the rule in the world. Why not make today the day we start thinking about what we can do to promote respect and dignity within our human community? Whatever our differences we all want to be treated with respect. And according to the Universal Declaration, that is our right, no matter who we are or where we live.

Let’s all work together to make that dream of universal respect a reality.

I was a panelist asked to choose the worst bosses from a list complied by eBossWatch. This site (www.ebosswatch.com) was launched by Asher Adelman in 2007 to help people avoid toxic workplaces. eBossWatch enables people to anonymously rate their current or former bosses using a respectable and focused evaluation form so that job-seekers can better evaluate prospective employers.

Adelman started the site because in his experience it is very difficult during the job interview process to discover the true environment at a potential employer and the true nature of a potential manager. eBossWatch is intended to provide information and to be a critical resource for people who are considering a career change.

Asher also established GreatPlaceJobs in 2008 to help job seekers find jobs at award-winning great workplaces. He heard about my work building respectful workplaces and thought I would be interested in hearing about what he was doing, which I definitely was.

I was pleased that Asher asked me to be on the panel, however, it made for very depressing reading. We were asked to rate each of the bosses on a scale of 1 – 10, 10 being the worst, and as I told Asher, I could have given every one of them a 10!.

Here is the link to the press release about the survey, the first of its kind, as well as a link to the complete list of the worst bosses of 2009.

Press Release: http://ebosswatch.wordpress.com/2009/12/07/the-ebosswatch-worst-bosses-of-2009/
Complete List of The Worst Bosses of 2009: http://ebosswatch.com/the-worst-bosses-of-2009.php

Yesterday, Dec 6 2009, marked the 20th anniversary of the shooting rampage of Marc Lepine at Universite de Montreal’s Ecole Polytechnique, when Lepine killed 14 female students and injured 13 others before turning the gun on himself. The reason for his rampage? Anger; at the fact that women were interested in working in “non-traditional” workplaces, those that had been traditionally reserved for men. Anger at the feminists that had started this movement.

As a result of that horrific event, Dec 6 was designated Canada’s National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence against Women. Yesterday, at one of the many memorial services intended to mark this tragic day, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper commented that “we should all take time to remember and reaffirm our commitment to continue working to protect the lives, dignity and equality of all women.”

It is difficult to see how Prime Minster Harper and others in positions of power are in fact reaffirming a commitment to protect the lives, dignity and equality of women. In fact, the opposite seems to be the case. This year members of Prime Minister Harper’s Conservative party, along with other MPs, voted to kill the gun registry legislation that had been passed in response to the “Montreal massacre.”

The reality is that violence against women is a global epidemic which is currently affecting one third of all women world wide. Estimates are that one in four women will experience violence from a current or former spouse or boyfriend in her lifetime. Repressive regimes and ideologies are increasingly rising up to challenge women’s basic human rights and freedoms.

Here is British Columbia we have seen funding and support for women’s justice programs, in particular legal aid, slashed. The current cuts come on top of the 40% reduction to legal aid funding which occurred between 2002 and 2004. Those who engage in violence against women are empowered as a result of the lack of available legal recourse for their victims. Those women and children who are the most vulnerable to violence will now be at greater risk.

Twenty years may have passed since the Montreal Massacre, but unfortunately, the world has not become a safer or more respectful place for women. What this anniversary really highlights the fact that the massacre of women and their rights continues.

October 12 is Thanksgiving Day for those of us living above the 49th parallel. Like many of my fellow Canadians, I am making a purposeful effort to be thankful today for all the gifts I have in my life. I am thinking about all of the reasons I have to be grateful. Turns out that if I chose to maintain that attitude throughout the year, rather than just on Thanksgiving, I’d be a happier person.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD., studies the science of human happiness. When a LinkedIn colleague posted a link about Professor Lyubomirsky’s new book The How of Happiness, I was really curious to find out more. I mean, who doesn’t want to figure out how to be happy on an ongoing basis?

What struck me most profoundly about Professor Lyubomirsky’s research was her finding on the factors that contribute to our happiness. Surprisingly, our circumstances factor in at only 10%. While our genetic makeup is responsible for 50% of how happy we feel, it is our attitude, what we think, feel and do on a daily basis, that is responsible for the other 40% of how happy we are.

Buddist monks are among the happiest people on the planet. How come? Well, according to Dr. Lyubomirsky, one of the main reasons is the fact that they meditate for 30 minutes each day focusing solely on all of the things they are grateful for. If you are a Buddist monk, everyday is like Thanksgiving, minus the turkey and the pumpkin pie.

The past year has been fraught with challenges for many of us. The recessionary economy, uncertainty, and job loss are thought to be responsible for an increase in stress, as well as in disrespectful behaviours in the workplace. Dr. Lyubormirsky would say that those are merely circumstances. Those circumstances, however difficult they may seem, do not necessarily need to translate into unhappiness.

We all have a choice. Rather than focus on what isn’t working, on our problems, what we don’t have, we can choose to adopt an attitude of gratitude. We can focus on and be thankful for all of the good things we have in our lives – the love and support of our friends and families, the fact that we have food on our tables, and if we are really lucky, our health.

My daughter spent this weekend in bed fighting the flu. She got quite sick. With the spectre of H1N1 hanging over us, the flu can be quite scary, particularly as this strain seems to be most lethal to young people. I have personally experienced how vulnerable we are all, how quickly disease can devastate young healthy individuals. I watched my 43 year old husband succumb to melanoma in a matter of months. I am so grateful that my daughter woke up today feeling stronger and on the road to recovery.

Whatever challenges I may be facing, at least I am lucky enough to be alive to face them. I should be grateful for that fact each and every day of my life, and since reading about Dr. Lyubomirsky’s research I have been trying to do that.

In the past few weeks I have been making a conscious effort to live my life with an attitude of gratitude. I have been finding all kinds of things to be grateful for, things that I simply took for granted. And you know what? Although I still have real problems and challenges, overall, I do feel happier. I think about how lucky I am to have wonderful colleagues like the woman who shared the article that has had such a profound impact on my life. Today I am thinking about how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to share these thoughts with you. Thanks for reading this post.

My goal is to promote respect in the workplace, and by extension, in the world. One of the things I am thinking about on this Thanksgiving Day is how grateful I am to live in a country that embraces the values of tolerance, fairness, justices and mutual respect and allows me to work to promote those values.

What about you? Do you think that happiness is an elusive goal, something that will be achieved when this or that happens for you? How about trying to develop an attitude of gratitude and see what happens? After all, what have you got to lose?

This morning I received an email from an advocacy group I support, asking me to sign a petition about the truth of health care in Canada.  The intention is for the petition to be released in the US media and given to US Senators before they cast their votes on President Obama’s health care reform bill.

 Of course I signed the petition.  I have, in fact, been watching the circus that this health care debate has become with growing incredulity.  President Obama being compared with Hitler?  Individuals coming to town hall meetings carrying semi-automatic weapons slung over their shoulders?  The distortion of the facts around this issue is beyond staggering.

 From where I sit, I can’t see why anyone, other than the corporations who profit from the status quo, would oppose an initiative that proposes to improve a medical system  that is the most costly in the world, while 40 million Americans have no health care and overall the system is  ranked 37^th,  behind countries that Americans consider to be part of the third world.

On numerous occasions, President Obama has talked about the importance of America returning to its values.  This is the country founded on the principal of equality.  How is the value of equality reflected in the current medical system?     The value I see reflected is profit and only for a select few. 

 The values espoused in the Canadian constitution are tolerance, fairness, justice and mutual respect.   While we certainly have a way to go to really achieve these values within our society, socialized or not, our medical system is fair and equal.

 For those of you in the lower 48, here is my experience with the system.  For years my premiums have been less than $100.00 per month for my family.  I can see any doctor I want, go to any hospital I want.  When my late husband was diagnosed with cancer, he was seen and treated within 3 days of the discovery of his tumor.  

 The Canadian system is not perfect.  From my perspective, our socialized medicine does not go far enough. It does not cover dental, or prescription drugs for the majority of Canadians, although, as I learned through my husband’s illness, once your drug bill exceeds a certain reasonable amount, government assistance kicks in.  

 It does, however, reflect the values of Canadian society.  It reflects our commitment to the promotion of justice, human rights and human dignity.  It reflects values of compassion, empathy and community.  It makes me proud to be a Canadian and is one of the reasons I choose to live here. 

 The Universal   Declaration of Human Rights states that all of us, simply by virtue of the fact that we are members of the human family, deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.  And in my mind, that means that when we are sick, whoever we are and wherever we live, we should be able to get help.  

 I can only hope that the petition I signed will help to make that happen for  the members of our human family who are also citizens of the United States of America.

On Thursday, August 6, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the 111^th Justice of the US Supreme Court. As an individual passionate about promoting respectful workplaces, and by extension, respectful societies,  I cannot help but celebrate this historic occasion, and applaud President Obama’s choice in nominating Ms. Sotomayor.

She is the first Hispanic justice and the third woman to serve.  Those that opposed her nomination argued that she would bring her personal biases and a liberal agenda to the bench.  Due to some of her comments, she has been accused of allowing empathy as well as her life experience as a Latina woman to interfere with her ability to be impartial. 

The sub-text is that white men who still constitute the majority of law makers somehow manage to get through life without having the fact that they are both white and male affect the lens through which they interpret events.  They are somehow able to be more impartial, to interpret the law with less bias because they are white men.  

This idea is so patently absurd as to defy logic.  Each of us is affected by our personal characteristics, by our personal history.  The bias of white men was obviously apparent in the type of questioning that Justice Sotomayor had to endure prior to being confirmed.   

To prove discrimination, a complainant must only show that the behaviour which he or she is complaining of is directly related to a personal characteristic which he or she possesses that is protected in law.  There is no doubt that the kinds of accusations that were made, the questions that she was asked, were directly related to the fact that she is a woman, and a member of a visible minority.  

In this case, as she was confirmed, Justice Sotomayor did not suffer any disadvantage.  There is no case of discrimination to be made.  However, I think this very public process highlights the kinds of challenges that many individuals face in the employment process.   

I celebrate the fact that the system has allowed Justice Sotomayor to realize her full potential in American society.  That is the intention of human rights laws.  But let’s not pretend that things really work out that way in the thousands of less public hiring processes where the candidates are members of traditionally disadvantaged groups.  One African American President and a Latina on the US Supreme Court does not mean that equality has been achieved.  Not by a long shot. 

It is, however, a sign of hope and a cause for celebration.  It marks another step of the journey on the Road to Respect.